Saturday, May 10, 2008

mothers have it all • happy mother's day

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Photos excerpted from my large pastel drawings.



The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. -- Rajneesh

A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. -- Peter de Vries



The real religion of the world comes from women much more than from men -- from mothers most of all, who carry the key of our souls in their bosoms. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes

I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids. -- Unknown




POSITION: MOTHER

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term team player needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidate must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work full-time and various hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts "on call." Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: This is for the rest of your life. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly and to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gathering for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery-operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job does supply limitless opportunities for personal growth -- and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
-- Unknown.

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